Chicago, Illinois, March 15, 2012 – Republican William J. Kelly, candidate for 42nd ward committeeman, is bracing against a strange last minute attack from his 23 year-old opponent, Tommy Smithburg that he, Kelly, is an illegal alien.
The Kelly campaign maintains that this accusation – like everything else that Smithburg has said in this campaign – is 100% false. Not only were both of Kelly’s parents, Bill and Barbara Kelly, born in America but William J. Kelly himself was born within Chicago’s city boundaries on March 10, 1966 and was brought home from the hospital one week later – on St. Patrick’s day – 46 years ago today. Kelly says that he has the papers to prove it.
However, the Kelly campaign is not leaving anything to chance. A press conference will be called on Monday where Kelly will produce his:
– Birth certificate
– Social Security card
– Report cards
– Library card
– Boy Scout and Cubs Scout merit badges
– Little League trophy (with name inscribed)
Another line of attack the Smithburg campaign will likely attempt to exploit is that for the few years of Kelly’s life in Chicago friends, family, classmates, and neighbors referred to the young William J. Kelly as “Billy.”
“Judging from the Smithburg campaign’s previous tactics – this self-admitted revelation will likely be used to sow the seeds of confusion and doubt. We only hope that the truth – that William J. Kelly is, infact, a proud American citizen will get out before the polls close on March 20th,” said a representative for the Kelly campaign.
At the press conference on Monday, Kelly also intends to enter the following undoctored photos into evidence.
Regarding his campaign, Kelly says, “My only goal at this point is to give the people of Chicago what I have wanted my entire life – a real Republican Party . This campaign has been truly vicious – and while my opponent has no record and only offers lies and distortions, it is always important that we maintain our vision, our faith, and yes, our sense of humor.”
Happy St. Patrick’s Day.
We hope you enjoyed the above satirical smack against negative campaigns. We certainly did.